I don't really know my audience here yet (like is swearing OK???), but I'm gonna go out on a limb and just set the stage here because we have got to talk about s*x.

Ok, radical thought here...I think that when people talk about s*x and grievances about it, often what they are really talking about is intimacy. S*x is not the same thing as intimacy, but it can be a form of intimacy. It's like that saying, "all nuts are seeds, but not all seeds are nuts." Obviously there are some exceptions here in this realm, but let's just go with the overarching concept that we're mostly talking about intimacy. 

A wild trend on the internet has been "love languages". I cannot tell you how many people I work with learned about them, took the quiz and then get totally stuck because they or their partner don't know how to do the other person's love language, or they do and it's not working, or some other barrier. (BTW, if you're totally lost, just do an internet search for "love languages" and be prepared to be inundated! Also, you don't need to know anything about them to read this post.) 

Other EXTREMELY common themes include the gestational/birthing parent being "touched out". Think about how much you and your partner were touched before having baby(ies). Then think about how much you are both touched now given how you parent (ex: nursing, who does feedings, if one parent is home more, etc.). Most commonly, I hear parents simply state, "I'm touched out" and the intimacy conversation ends there. Or I hear that physical touch is one person's "love language" but not the others' and so nothing happens at all. 

So here's what I offer: think for yourself and/or together about what made you fall in love? I'm guessing physical intimacy and s*x were only one part of the equation. Often when a baby or babies arrive, parents have to work harder in soooo many ways - and one of them is redefining intimacy. So what is intimacy? In my opinion, intimacy is the feeling of deep connection between 2 people.

Prior to kids, if things felt disconnected, s*x is often a relatively easy way to re-connect and get some quick intimacy. But is it the only way? If it was, I encourage parents and partners to think about all the other ways they feel connected - including feeling connected to other people in ways that would never, ever involve sex (like a sibling, parent, or BFF). Then, from that list, break down the ones that feel manageable for both of you given what's on your plate and your respective energy levels. Think outside the box to include things like talking about your day, feeling listened to without expectation of anything physical, going on FUN dates (not just dinner dates), playing games together or doing projects together. Explore the things that get in the way and brainstorm together ways to break down those barriers. 

To me, good s*x is as much about attunement (sensing what the other person is thinking and feeling without them having to say it) as the big O itself - and there are ways to achieve that if one partner isn't ready for s*x. 

Till next time <3

Kate