I've been working with parents and families for over 15 years. One of the most common themes I have heard over that time - in families of all backgrounds and constellations - is grief. Before I say anything else, let me just ask...can you relate? Does the word grief resonate with you as a parent? 

When we become parents we talk so much about all that we gain - we get amazing children and feel a kind of love that is hard to explain adequately with words. We talk about all the "stuff" we get (literally...there is so much STUFF). We talk about what's coming, all the milestones and hopes and dreams we have for our kids and how we can help them get there. But have you noticed anything in all that we get?? I notice that we don't hold any space for what we've lost. But why? 

That wasn't a rhetorical question - why don't we grieve our lives before kids more? When my first pet (a golden retriever named Ali) died, I grieved. I cried so much it hurt. I loved her. She meant so much to me. She was with me through so many major life transitions and changes. And yet, when we have kids and our relationship with our partner or other children change, we don't talk much about that. Or we feel shame about it - like grieving the loss of those chapters somehow invalidates the current love and joy. To me, that makes no sense! When Ali died, I was so sad, but I also deeply loved my relationship with my new partner (turned spouse) and his dog. Ali's death didn't mean I didn't love them...it just meant I loved her, too. And I loved that chapter of my life. 

Why is it so hard to hold space for the chapters that close while also being excited for the chapters that are coming? 

And look, I know I'm speaking from my own experience here. I know that not everyone grieves the loss of their life before kids (I don't personally understand that because it feels so foreign to me, but I've heard of these unicorns and believe they exist), but I also know from my years of working with parents that SO. MANY. DO. And they deserve to be seen and given space just as much as the joyful parts of these major life changes. 

So here's lookin' at you parents who miss their lives pre-kid(s). I see you and I'm here to say that missing that life doesn't mean you're a bad parent, doesn't mean you don't (or can't) love your life now, and doesn't mean you'll never find deep joy again. It's all a season and the more we fight the season, the more miserable it is. As my step-mom says, "there's no such thing as too cold, just not the right clothing". So gear up for the season, my friends. Cry, grieve, remember the best parts, the favorite parts. Celebrate it. And remember grief comes in waves - some days you might feel totally over it and embracing what's in front of you now and other days you might feel it hard. 

In grief and hope,

Kate