December: Buckle Up, it's a Long One

How is it already Mid-December??? And Like December, Buckle Up - This is a Long One. 

You know what's wild about this time of year for me? We are a family that celebrates secular Christmas so we have that on 12/25, then my birthday is 12/26 and then my kids birthday is 12/27. PLUS, my spouse's birth is 12/10. December is a BUSY month for us and it is a month of....hmm...what's the word? Reflection? Remembering? I'm not sure either of those totally capture it, but I think you get the point...

Every year I remember nostalgic holiday traditions from my childhood but in the last many years, I've deeply and profoundly remembered being pregnant and approaching my due date with the twins.  And then they came the day after my birthday and I BEGGED the doctors to wait until the 28th to give just a little separation. It was a hard no and they were born at 11:52pm and 11:54pm on 12-27-2018. 

I also recently got my childhood Barbie collection from my parents and I remembered wanting one particular Barbie one year so badly. And I got the right Barbie but she was wearing a different outfit and I was devastated. I bet a lot of us have memories of not getting a gift that we really wanted. 

So what does any of this have to do with anything? Simply put: Attunement. I know, I know - I have veered a sharp left. But stay with me. First, here's my take on what attunement even is:

At its core, attunement is about being in sync with another person enough to understand their emotions through both verbal and nonverbal communication, and then you're able to respond to them in a way that matches their need so that they relax. It means responding in a way that makes them feel seen, heard, and valued. Sometimes attunement is easy: someone says "I'm hungry" and you offer them a snack. Sometimes attunement is really challenging and some says they are hungry and you offer them a snack and they get angry and you're left like WTF?!? Talking about attunement related to babies is pretty easy: baby has some sort of need, they cry, you figure out what they need because they don't use words yet, you meet that need, they relax. Then it happens again. And again. And again.  

We assume that after a while, that baby will communicate differently, we'll read the cues and signals more easily, and the cycle will be mostly smooth sailing. But what we don't often consider is how that pattern existed when you and the other person were little. And what happens to anyone when that pattern is interrupted somewhere somehow. Often those interruptions make that cycle I just outlined stay bumpy, confusing, frustrating, etc. But we grow up anyway. And life twists and turns and we end up pregnant on December 27th in the hospital begging the doctor to put off an emergency C-Section for just 10 more minutes. And the doctor shuts it down. 

That is MISattunement. 

I had a need. I expressed that need. The need was not met. My stress increased instead of relaxing. Life kept moving until I had another need. 

The Barbie situation is another example. I wanted Barbie X. I got Barbie Y. 

On the surface you might be thinking this is just about me not getting what I wanted. It's true that in both scenarios I wanted X and I got Y. That is DISAPPOINTMENT. But, the opportunity and need for ATTUNEMENT continues to exist underneath the more visible (and often aversive) feeling. The way we choose to take the time to be curious about the need, and explore what lies beneath it, then attend to that underlying need is what attunement is about. 

Had the doctor slowed down and talked to me about why I wanted to wait, to explain why we couldn't wait and then someone helped me navigate the disappointment - THAT'S what attunement is about. Attunement is NOT about getting what you want. It's about being seen, feeling important, and getting help navigating challenges so that you relax. 

The same thing applies to Ms. Barbie. One of three things happened there: 

Scenario 1: My parents knew me and couldn't meet the need/want.

Scenario 2: My parents didn't really know me.

Scenario 3: My parents knew me and what I wanted and ignored it for some reason.

In the first scenario, they could have left a note saying "I know this isn't what you wanted, but the Elves ran out of the outfit and didn't have time to make a new one" and then my parents help me learn how to navigate the disappointment. Pretty straight forward because the need is not actually the Barbie. The need is help navigating the feeling of disappointment.

The second and third scenarios are a bit more tricky. The need is still navigating disappointment, but it's bigger than that. How does a parent acknowledge that misattunement much the less recover from it? How does the parent feel frustrated that the kid is "ungrateful" (aka disappointed) while also navigating their own guilt or shame around straying from the list while ALSO supporting the kid to learn how to navigate the feeling of disappointment? This leaves the whole family wide open to Kid Kate having a need (help navigating disappointment or help navigating the feeling that no one cares or understands or navigating guilt/shame) and parents not being able to see and meet that need because they are not able to navigate their own big feelings. Then there are all kinds of parent/child interaction scenarios that ultimately result in Kid Kate not relaxing and being left to find some way to cope alone and life goes on. There is also a scenario that DOES result in Kid Kate relaxing, but it involves a lot of work on the parent side. 

Now, misattunement happens. I'm not saying let's nail it all the time. It isn't possible. But repairing from those mis-matches IS possible and that's what really matters. How we make meaning of those experiences matters. 

How I made meaning from my birth experience was that I was scared, alone and voiceless. That what I wanted and needed didn't matter. And that shaped my entrance to parenthood. 

But you know what else shaped my entrance to parenthood? The mis-match Barbie Christmas (MMBC for short) when I was a kid. That's a leap, I know. But hear me out: MMBC left me feeling alone, misunderstood and ashamed for having a completely normal feeling. I learned that some feelings are ok and some feelings are not ok in my house with my family. So when I had a completely normal feeling of fear in the hospital on 12/27/18, I again felt alone and misunderstood. I felt ashamed for wanting something and I sucked it up and life moved on. 

I'm going to grasshopper for a second: Last year we grudgingly got our twins a Furbie for Christmas. I didn't want to because they are loud and annoying and I knew I would have to help them use it and I didn't want to help them learn to use it because I didn't want to hear it. But in that moment I remembered MMBC and I made a choice to put my needs and feelings aside and get them what they wanted. And I knew I would have to manage my own sh*t around it so that I wouldn't resent them or get frustrated with them for a choice we made. And I knew we could have said no. And I knew they'd feel disappointed and that I'd also have to help them navigate that feeling. So we chose the challenge with joy instead of the challenge with disappointment. And I don't regret it for one second. 

Connecting with other people, whether it's your partner, spouse, client/patient, friend, family member, or kid in an intentional way is hard work. It requires us to slow down and pay attention to our own needs and sometimes put them aside or manage them and attend to them. In our fast-paced capitalistic society and culture of white supremacy, those things are HARD to do and we often intentionally or unintentionally don't do it. And whether intentional or not, harm happens. 

So as we continue to move through December, I encourage us to all slow down and look for opportunities to build attunement. Look for misattunement. Look for opportunities to give the gift of attention, patience, compassion and repair. Not just with your kid(s), but with your clients/patients, with your spouse/partner, with your family. We never outgrow the need for attunement. We all want it, we all need it and personally, I believe we all have the power and ability to do it. 

In care and community,

Kate